Dear Sneaky Postal Carrier,
I wanted to start this letter off by just yelling 'thieves' at the top of my lungs, but I am better than that, more polite, more tactful, more mature. Instead, I shall start off like this.
Was that immature? Sorry. Ahem. Let's try again.
I am mad. I am stomping my foot and crossing my arms and I have a perma-scowl. Would you like to know why, USPS?
It's because someone you employ stole the kitty titties I was mailing to my friend Sara and her cat, Sid, who happens to be a bachelor.
Who in their right mind steals kitty titties?! Who?! Oh wait, you do. I understand that you may have sniffed the catnip within the envelope and opened the corner just to peek, and you must have liked what you saw. You must have liked it enough to steal them. Both titties. Rude! Both! Did you really need both?! Hmmmph.
Well, sorry I called you rude. Because you did continue to pass on the flat envelope and the letter included inside, addressed to Sid and his human Sara. Well, you know what, Sid didn't like the letter. He wanted the kitty titties. And you have not only wronged me, but you have wronged Sid. And I recently learned that he can bite hard.
Are you scared yet?
So, I am going to just buy more kitty titties from Amber of Confessions of a Crochet Addict and I'll be the bigger person. I won't cry about it on my blog. I won't come after you with Sid's fangs exposed. I won't do anything. But when I see in the paper that something has happened to you and your kitty titties, I will thank karma for helping me out.
PS: I'm still scowling.